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  Then I’m in his arms. My body broken, his head on my chest, the tears mixing with the rain and the blood. Then everything goes black. There is no sound. It is over. She is gone. The curtain falls.

  I WAKE up in the hospital, three days later. Alfie sitting next to me, dressed as a crocodile again, reading Hello! Dad silent, clutching his hands so tight that I can see his knuckles whiten.

  “Hi.” My voice is croaky. Every inch of me hurts. My head, my leg, my stomach.

  “Jude. Oh, my God.” Dad reaches forward and presses a button, and nurses flood in. Like angels in blue and white. I pass out again.

  The doctors say I’m lucky. I guess I am. Lucky that Alfie told Ed about Stella. Lucky that Ed knew where I would go. That he ran to Matt’s and got his camper van in time to reach me, to pull me out before the Land Rover took me down with it. Lucky he’d called the coast guard and the helicopter was airborne before I’d even reached the Point. Lucky my broken ribs didn’t puncture my lung. And that I blacked out before the pain made me panic and lose too much blood.

  Or maybe luck doesn’t come into it. Maybe my fairy godmother was looking out for me after all.

  I come home. Dad shows me the clippings from the paper. The wreckage. Then photos from the hospital. My own face, battered and bloated in purple, red, and black. And I cry. Every day I cry. Because of what I’ve done. And what I’ve lost. Because I am alive.

  And I am alive. My legs still in casts. Taking morphine three times a day. And other drugs too. No chance of starting at the Lab this year. But they’ve held my place. And Ed’s at King’s. He’s deferring, going to work on the boats for a year, earn some money. Then away in Matt’s camper for a bit. I’m going with him. Dad says it will be good for me. To get away. I said he should think about it himself, getting away. From here. From her. The memories. He smiled, said, “Maybe.” But I know he won’t.

  I never told Blair. Never spoke to him about that night. But it’s over now, the baby gone. I’ve asked Ed how he feels, knowing he wasn’t the first. But he says it doesn’t matter. And I believe him. Because that wasn’t me.

  I was someone else then. Someone I thought I wanted to be. Someone for whom the world would spin alone. Someone who took dares, picked fights, smoked, drank, danced in high heels above the sea.

  Now I’m just Jude.

  JOANNA NADIN is the author of numerous books for young readers. Wonderland is her first young adult novel to be published in the United States. She says, “I wanted to explore the idea of identity, and of wanting to be someone else, which is what I seemed to spend a large part of my teens, and some of my adulthood, doing.” A former special adviser to the prime minister, Joanna Nadin freelances as a government speechwriter. She lives in Bath, England.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or, if real, are used fictitiously.

  Copyright © 2009 by Joanna Nadin

  Cover photograph copyright © 2011 by Matthias Clamer/Getty Images

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted, or stored in an information retrieval system in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, taping, and recording, without prior written permission from the publisher.

  First U.S. electronic edition 2011

  The Library of Congress has cataloged the hardcover edition as follows:

  Nadin, Joanna.

  Wonderland / Joanna Nadin. — 1st U.S. ed.

  p. cm.

  Summary: Sixteen-year-old Jude hopes to finally become who she wants to be, away from tiny Churchtown and the father who cannot get over her mother’s death, by joining a prestigious drama program in London, until Stella, her wild childhood friend, returns and causes Jude to wonder if she really wants to be the center of attention, after all.

  ISBN 978-0-7636-4846-6 (hardcover)

  [1. Self-actualization (Psychology) — Fiction. 2. Conduct of life — Fiction. 3. Best friends — Fiction. 4. Friendship — Fiction. 5. Fathers and daughters — Fiction. 6. Grief — Fiction. 7. England — Fiction.]

  I. Title.

  PZ7.N132Won 2011

  [Fic] — dc22 2010038715

  ISBN 978-0-7636-5453-5 (electronic)

  Candlewick Press

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